Positive Journaling

This week my therapist recommended that I start “positive journaling”. She recommended this as a way to focus on the good things in life instead of everything wrong with your life. She had a book that has a bunch of topics to write about and the section she gave me was “reflect”. This is a good subject to do if you’re depressed. Sometimes when life is so bad your focus is so centered on how bad life is in the moment. This is a way to remember and reflect on good things that have happened or are continuing to happen.

Today I’m going to write about List #5 which is “List the best choices I’ve made so far in life”

#1. My decision to start reading the Book of Mormon when I was in the hospital. Honestly I would be where I was before I went there if I didn’t decide to get over my “pride” and accept the fact that I wasn’t living my life the way I knew I needed to be living.

#2. Putting my family first. I’ve always been super close with my family and they make my life worth living.

#3. When I chose to block a bunch of losers on everything. Haha throughout my life I’ve been friends with a bunch of people who don’t deserve my time or attention. And I mean that may seem rude and I still love everyone that I don’t talk to but certain people weren’t helping me to be a good person and getting rid of them was the best thing to do.

#4. Making my Instagram page about mental health. I’ve received so many messages saying things I post have helped them. And that makes me sooo happy because lately I’ve wanted to help people struggling by being open about my mental health and It’s worked.

#5. Moving!!! haha this wasn’t necessarily just my choice but I am the main reason my family moved. I couldn’t be more blessed. Vernal was such a horrible place for me and I wasn’t able to be happy there.

#6. Going to  The White House Academy.  I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the 4 amazing school years there.

#7. Reading!!! A few months ago I decided I wanted to read more. I’ve always struggled with enjoying reading because I have the hardest time concentrating but also reading gives me so much anxiety. If I wouldn’t have tried to get over my anxiety with reading I would still have it and it took a while but now I can read like a normal person. so yeah that’s cool I guess.

 

There are probably so many other good choices I’ve made in my life but these are the things that came to my mind so yeah:) Oh and I found this picture on my camera rolland I thought it was adorable.

 

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6 tips for suicide prevention

So all day I’ve been thinking about what I was going to post today and I had a few ideas but I felt like I needed to make this post. And it’s weird because I have never put any thought into my posts before I start writing. I usually just decide to write about what’s in my head at the moment.

Okay so for tip #1: Don’t isolate yourself!!! It is the worst thing in the world for you. I was talking to this girl who was depressed a few months ago and she said that all she feels like doing is being alone in her room sleeping or watching Netflix. I know that feeling and its the worst. My first day as a patient in a behavioral hospital I asked the tech if I could just stay in my room all day and of course I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see anyone. I just wanted to cry all day by myself. The reason this is the worst thing for you is because you’re alone with your thoughts. You’re probably thinking about something you said last week that you regret, or what happened to make you sad, or whats going to happen to you in the future, or something that you might not think about when you’re with other people.

Tip #2: This one is kind of related to the first, and its community and connectivity is what will save you. Having people to talk to is so important. If you feel like no one understands and you can’t connect with anyone because of depression then you can talk to someone online at an online support group. I would recommend talking to a parent, family member, or trusted adult first but if you aren’t comfortable or don’t think you have anyone then find a support group because there are a lot online. The other part I mentioned was connectivity. Addictions come from not being able to make healthy connections, so you turn to something harmful instead. I have done this before in my life and I made a post about it on Instagram because everyone has, just some are more destructive than others.

Tip #3: Gain an understanding of why you feel the way you do through people who relate. If you’re reading this then you probably have access to youtube and you can find so many helpful videos. I love learning about my mental illnesses through people who struggle with similar things. Another thing I do is research on Psychology Today; there are tons of articles and things you can find. Then the last thing I don’t currently do but I did before, I reached out to people on Instagram who made posts about there mental health (but be careful because there are so many losers in the world).

Tip #4: Medicine!!!!! It might not be for everyone and I understand that. But if you aren’t totally against it then try it out. A lot of people who commit suicide were previously diagnosed with mental illnesses and were on medicine. So obviously its not a cure. I was even on paroxotine, an antidepressant, when I attempted suicide. Finding the right one for you can take a long time. In my experience a lot of medicine makes you anxiety or depression worse. So it took me a while to find the right now.

Tip #5: Thoughts are just thoughts. Every thought in your head isn’t based on reality. If you’re having overwhelming thoughts that you just can’t get out of your head then, stop what you’re doing, take a deep breathe, think of something that makes you genuinely happy, or sing your favorite song in your head. You don’t have to keep your bad thoughts, you’re the only one that can control them.

Tip #6: Everything will pass through time. What I mean by this is depressive episodes where you think you’ll never get out of it. The only way you can is if you keep going. So why not stay? I mean why die with your last memory being depressed.

So yeah that’s it for this post. I hope that it helps someone. And if you’re having a bad day then make tomorrow better. But while its still today, do something to make it better. If you don’t know what will make you happy then do something selfless to make someone else happy. I promise helping other people will make you less depressed. You are needed in the world and you’re life is worth fighting for.

One More Light

The past few weeks I’ve been obsessed with the song ‘One More Light‘ by Linkin Park. It’s made me so thankful for my life and it makes me want to have a future career that involves helping people with mental illnesses. More specifically teenagers who have attempted suicide.

I’ve been very interested in helping people with mental illnesses by sharing my stories and experiences, and it has helped me through things I have struggled with the past month. It has come to a point; however, that it isn’s really beneficial for me. It has started making me struggle with new things.

I am pretty sure one of my friends has died by suicide. Instagram was my only way of talking to her and she hasn’t responded. I have other reasons to believe she has died but I won’t go into them.

Another thing is I was talking to a suicidal guy that doesn’t understand mental illnesses at all. He is a person that has the mindset of “its just in your head”. I had to eventually block him when he needed help the most. I regret not calling the National suicide hotline when I was in contact with him. I’ll never stop wondering if he killed himself that night.

I want to be able to help people like this in the future. But for right now I need to recover before I can help others. I am letting other people effect my mental heath in a negative way. Absolutely everyone’s life matters. That includes myself. I am going to try and get the help I need in order to do what I want to do.

My Anxiety

Yesterday I had a conversation about triggers for anxiety. I am still trying to find out what the overall trigger is for me. Someone told me their trigger is the feeling of not being able to escape a situation. I said that I think my trigger is the lack of control; however, I don’t think that’s what it is entirely.

This week I’ve been working on being more mindful. This has helped me immensely!! I have been able to stop my thoughts from becoming overwhelming.

Another thing that helps me with anxiety is telling myself everyday something a therapist told me. “Worrying about the future won’t change it.” This helps me because the lack of control makes my anxiety so bad. One of the thoughts going through my mind over and over the night I tried to end my life was “life won’t get better. It always gets worse. Everything I’m living for could be taken away from me at any moment.” These thoughts are so unnecessary.   In a way I don’t think they are true. I have faith that everything will work out the way God intends it to. That means life won’t be the way we would choose it, but it will be the way thats best for me.

I’m nervous about so many things. When I say nervous I mean I avoid so many things in life so that I don’t have panic attacks. I hate going in public where I could see someone I know. I have convenient stores!!! They are one of my biggest fears. I don’t even know what about them scares me. I hate going to church. I hate phone calls. I hate small talk. I hate being asked, “How are you?” I hate people around me gossiping. I hate eye contact. I hate overly happy/energetic people. I hate talking about the past. I hate talking about the future. I hate compliments. And the thing that gives me the most anxiety is hugs. So if you’re reading this, then don’t. hug. me. ever. please:) I’ll make it awkward and you’ll regret it.

My medicine has helped me a lot with my anxiety. I think I’ll get my dose raised because it could be better. When that happens I think that I’ll feel amazing. I want to get off of my medicine some time next spring. I don’t want to rely on it my entire life. I will if I need to but I want to try going off of it when I’m stable.

In conclusion I want to make a list of my goals for minimizing my anxiety:

  • Go out of my comfort zone.
  • Become more aware of my triggers.
  • Be mindful of my anxiety level in the moment.
  • Use healthy coping mechanisms.
  • Talk about my anxiety more.
  • Try and walk away from stressful conversations.
  • Work on not being nervous about people and become better at conversations with people I don’t know really well.
  • Listen to music in stressful moments.
  • Be on my phone less.
  • Continue to learn/ understand anxiety.

 

“It Gets Better”

The phrase literally everyone tells me is, “It gets better.” What does that even mean? More importantly how do people say this with so much certainty. I don’t fully understand what people mean by it. This phrase makes me think of my future. That makes it even harder. I can’t imagine my future. Especially with it getting better. I have hope that it does but I can’t imagine it. I have goals and future plans, but they seem superficial, like they are just ideas. They don’t seem like they will actually happen. I can’t see myself going to college, getting married, having kids, or even doing what I want to do most in life. I think the reason I think this is, is because a few months ago I thought I would be on the tennis team right now, going to high school, working on becoming a CNA, but none of that is happening. Almost ending my life changed everything, even what I think about my life. My current life: doing school online, trying to finish my junior and senior year in one school year, getting ready to move to Arizona, never being alone, not allowed to drive, having people closest to me not trusting me (including myself), everyone worrying about my safety, creating a blog, talking about my mental health on social media, being way closer with Jesus and my Heavenly Father, and meeting my best friend (other than Devany haha).

So yeah my life has changed. I didn’t want to live the life that I was before but I’m also skeptical of my life right now. I am thankful for the many blessings I’ve recently received, but I’m struggling everyday. Even on my “good days” I’ll have the desire to start crying for no reason. Seeing any sharp object is soooo hard for me. I want to cut myself. I don’t like admitting it but it’s in my mind constantly.

If you’ve read this far then you’re probably wondering if I have an objective, and I do! My point I’m trying to get to is that everyday there are moments that life “gets better”. Little things like, someone making you laugh, making someone smile, reading something motivating, seeing a cat or baby haha, having a good conversation, seeing pretty scenery, or doing something you enjoy, make life worth living. I don’t know that my life will “get better” but I do know that there are things that make life temporarily better/ worth living.

So yeah if you’re struggling then look for things in your life that “makes it better”. It helps; then, when you’re depressed or want to give up remember the things that you experienced that were good, because if you would have given up you wouldn’t have had the good experiences life has had to offer.

2 minutes of hate

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Last night I started rereading 1984. Something that immediately stuck out to me in the first few pages was the effect the two minutes of hate (a two minute film the members of the Oceania society had to watch of their enemy Goldstein) had on everyone. George Orwell wrote, “And yet the rage that one felt was an abstract, undirected emotion which could be switched from one object to another like the flame of a blowlamp”.

I found this so intriguing. Allowing ourselves to hate someone takes away our control in a way. Aberrance  against someone restricts you from being completely at peace with things. Anger is such a strong emotion that you’re giving into when you hate someone.  Most of the time hating someone is so pointless. It isn’t beneficial for anyone.

This made me think about who, in my life, I hate. The hate that I feel towards people is so unnecessary. It’s restricting me from being happy. It makes my anxiety worse, I feel guilt and it sucks. I want to forgive people in my life, not really because anyone has apologized, or even cares, but because I do.

Jesus loves everyone enough that he has forgiven us of all our sins and wrong-doings towards others. Nobody is perfect which means that everyone messes up. By not forgiving people who have made my life more miserable that it had to be; I am being a hypocrite, I expect to be forgiven when I can’t forgive others. Plus those people are out of my life. I don’t have to deal with them. The only one this is hurting is me.

haha so yeah that’s the end. I feel like my blog is just me ranting about things that nobody cares about. But if you’re reading this and you hate someone you should forgive them:) okay yeah that’s it…