Starting Over

Today I’ve been reflecting on my life so far and where I want to be in the future. I have so many dreams, goals and things I aspire to do. A year ago I would tell myself I’m not smart enough, strong enough, or just enough in general to do most things I want to do with my life. As I’m thinking about it now my mindset has completely changed. I believe I can do what I work hard to do. I am enough. It’s something I don’t feel the need to elaborate on because its just a simple fact.

For so many years I’ve let myself believe that everyone’s better than me. I have spent so much time focusing on others strengths compared to my weaknesses. Instead of being inspired to be better I didn’t try because I already knew I wasn’t enough.

I think in a way this brought on my depression. Having the feeling of not being enough made me lose hope. My desire to try left. I became someone who followed a schedule everyday, as time went on I started taking things out that were too much to do. For a long time I felt trapped.

I’m constantly thinking about what I want to change about myself or what I want to do better and its becoming a lot to deal with. I want to become the best version of myself without changing things that hold me back. I’m starting to realize I need positive changes in my life and there’s no better time than right now.

A few of my big goals are:

1.  Go to cosmetology school, which I am planning on starting on July 31st.

2. Have a successful job as a hairstylist where I am happy with my work.

3. When I’m ready, go to a four year university majoring in Psychology

4. Work at a mental hospital. (for anyone who doesn’t know me really well this is my biggest goal in life and the reason I want to have a healthy mind)

5. Be a foster parent and adopt teenagers because I believe everyone deserves to have a family to go home to and to rely on even after they are 18.

6. My final big goal in life is to go to Australia.  I am obsessed with Australia and I have been since I was little and watched a show about mermaids.

 

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Something Important To Me

Lately I’ve had a fascination with true crime videos on Youtube. I don’t know exactly why so I was thinking what about them I like, or what I find interesting. One thing I thought of is how my biggest fear is being abducted/stalked/human trafficked/murdered/my family not knowing where I am. I like learning about things to do in situations, how to react, and how to get help if it’s possible. I don’t like learning about the messed up people who do it as much as I do the victims. I’ve always thought the best way to make changes in the world is by becoming more educated on things that need changed. I’ve learned about so many laws that have changed because of cases where families push for justice and changes. Something I think is super messed up is how theres not a law for stalking until the person basically physically hurts you, but anyway, I love when people escape captivity, seek help, and are able to have a decent life. I think that to some extent everyone is in captivity and life is all about finding the way to escape before it’s too late.

Another thing, I had known all about Jayme Closs’s case so when she was found I was super happy and excited. It was super weird because as happy as I was for her I knew her life has been changed forever and it will never go back to how it was before. I think that change is sooo hard but it’s a part of life that has to be accepted and we have to figure out how to get through it and move on to the next part of our life.

How My Mental Heath Has Effected My Education

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I haven’t published any of my recent posts, but I’ve still been writing. I want to publish this though so that I can look at it in the future if I want. It’s also for my family (who are the only ones that read my posts).

Okay so to start off I want to talk about all of my education. When I was 2, I think, I did kinder-music. I don’t really know what it was other than that I did it because I had a speech delay. Then when I was 3 I went to a preschool that was also a speech school. I remember it because my dad died when I was still going there. I remember associating school with being away from my mom. I remember the feeling of fear when I would leave my mom and I absolutely hated going. fast forward to the next year, when I started kindergarten, I hated going to school. I would stay all day. It was super long and I hated leaving my mom. I would make her be the first in line to pick me up or I would have panic attacks. One day she got stuck in the snow and was a few minutes late so I started walking home. I wasn’t supposed to. In order to get home I had to walk past a registered sex-offenders home. This whole story may seem irrelevant, but after this I would always be so worried that I was physically sick. After kindergarten I decided to be homeschooled. My mental health was horrible and so was my whole family’s. It was the best thing in the world for me. I was best friends with my little sister and life was great. In 3rd grade I decided to go back to public school. It was the worst thing in the world for me. I was constantly SOOOO sick, I had Celiac Disease, undiagnosed, and I was bullied by lots of kids. (I won’t go into details because it’s something that’s super personal and I’ve never talked to anyone other than my mom about it.)  I had one friend named Cassidy, who I’m so grateful for. I haven’t talked to her since but she was genuinely the only one at school that made my life a little less miserable. I would go to bed every night by 6. I would dread going to school so much. I cried my self to sleep for so long that my mom and I decided pulling me out in the middle of the year would be the best for my physical, mental, and emotional health. I was homeschooled until 5th grade. It was so good for me. I was able to go from behind to ahead in math and reading. I learned more than I could have in a bad environment. People that liked to get my my business would say I needed to be in public school because of how shy I was. When I started the White House Academy in 5th grade I was able to become more outgoing. I absolutely loved it and I went there through 8th grade. I had amazing friends and teachers who had the same standards as me. Then in 9th grade I started high school. I started out being super stupid, but also naive. I did became friends with horrible people. I still had good friends freshman year, but I had more friends that weren’t good. It didn’t really “catch up to me” until sophomore year. I got to the point where I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t really care about my grades, I genuinely hated EVERYONE and everything, I would go home crying everyday, and the only person keeping me going was my best friend. No one knew everything that was going on other than her. She was there for me through everything without judging me. I wouldn’t have made it through sophomore year without her support. During the summer of 2018 I was able to accept the fact that I needed help. My mental health wasn’t okay, I had things going on that I considered unbearable, I hated tennis, and going back to school gave me so much anxiety and depression. At one point in my life tennis brought me so much happiness. It didn’t anymore. I hated practicing and certain people there. It was super hard not being able to enjoy it. One night on my way to tennis practice I almost took my life. I hated everything. There were things that weren’t dealt with properly and the thought of going back to school was unbearable. At that moment in my  life I felt like I didn’t have anything worth living for. There were so many things out of my control that I couldn’t handle. I was eventually able to talk to my mom about this and I went to a counsellor. We decided that I needed to quit the tennis team.  Calling my coach and telling her was super hard. The counsellor also made me do things that could have waited but didn’t. I had to go back the next day to see how I was doing and I told her everything was fine, when absolutely nothing was fine. I did something that resulted in me going to Provo Canyon Behavioral Hospital for 10 days. I got out less than a week before school started. When my mom picked me up she told me that she was thinking about temporarily moving to get away from everything going on. So we did and that’s why we are in Arizona. Anyway, back to my education… I started my 11th grade year off doing online school through the high school I went to before. I was learned nothing new and it was just a waste of time. About a month ago my teacher told my mom she was going to kick me out of the program if I didn’t start doing more. We decided that the best thing for me would be to drop out and do the GED tests so that I could go to college next year or work.  So that’s exactly what I did!

So now I want to explain what my future education plans are. In June when I move back to Utah I want to do the CNA course and work as a CNA until I go to college. Right now I’m considering going next fall, but I might wait until later. I want to attend UVU and eventually become a nurse at the behavioral hospital I went to. I had a life-changing conversation with one of the techs and I want to be that person in other’s lives. It will be a super hard job and really draining mentally and physically. I’m determined to do it though, and I think I can do it if I want to. I’m super excited. I don’t want my past mistakes and trials to prevent me from continuing, so instead I want to learn from my past and help others in similar situations.

 

Positive Journaling

This week my therapist recommended that I start “positive journaling”. She recommended this as a way to focus on the good things in life instead of everything wrong with your life. She had a book that has a bunch of topics to write about and the section she gave me was “reflect”. This is a good subject to do if you’re depressed. Sometimes when life is so bad your focus is so centered on how bad life is in the moment. This is a way to remember and reflect on good things that have happened or are continuing to happen.

Today I’m going to write about List #5 which is “List the best choices I’ve made so far in life”

#1. My decision to start reading the Book of Mormon when I was in the hospital. Honestly I would be where I was before I went there if I didn’t decide to get over my “pride” and accept the fact that I wasn’t living my life the way I knew I needed to be living.

#2. Putting my family first. I’ve always been super close with my family and they make my life worth living.

#3. When I chose to block a bunch of losers on everything. Haha throughout my life I’ve been friends with a bunch of people who don’t deserve my time or attention. And I mean that may seem rude and I still love everyone that I don’t talk to but certain people weren’t helping me to be a good person and getting rid of them was the best thing to do.

#4. Making my Instagram page about mental health. I’ve received so many messages saying things I post have helped them. And that makes me sooo happy because lately I’ve wanted to help people struggling by being open about my mental health and It’s worked.

#5. Moving!!! haha this wasn’t necessarily just my choice but I am the main reason my family moved. I couldn’t be more blessed. Vernal was such a horrible place for me and I wasn’t able to be happy there.

#6. Going to  The White House Academy.  I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the 4 amazing school years there.

#7. Reading!!! A few months ago I decided I wanted to read more. I’ve always struggled with enjoying reading because I have the hardest time concentrating but also reading gives me so much anxiety. If I wouldn’t have tried to get over my anxiety with reading I would still have it and it took a while but now I can read like a normal person. so yeah that’s cool I guess.

 

There are probably so many other good choices I’ve made in my life but these are the things that came to my mind so yeah:) Oh and I found this picture on my camera rolland I thought it was adorable.

 

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My Priorities

Lately I’ve become aware of my priorities and how messed up they are. So I decided that quitting social media would be my first step, and it did help. I’m super happy that I quit it. Today as I was lying in bed while my mom was at church I started thinking of what I was prioritizing over church and why. I stayed home because I was lazy. I did the easy thing which was stay in bed and sleep longer. This week I want to make my top priority reading the Book of Mormon, praying, and doing things that will help me in the long run.

I had the opportunity to go to my new ward’s Young Women program where they gave out awards for the girls who have accomplished things in personal progress. I met all of the girls my age in our ward. It was really good for me. I don’t plan on sharing the reasons I moved to Arizona with them because it’s in the past and there is no point of bringing it up. I am passionate about mental health and talking to people about it, but I’ve decided that here will be a fresh start where no one knows that part of my life. Something that I noticed was how nice they were. The Young Women president and the person in with her came along with her daughter. They were all super nice and genuinely interested in getting to know me. The mutual was tonight but they wanted to meet Ashlee and me so on Wednesday we are going to go get ice cream. I’m excited for that because of how nice and welcoming they were (haha thats a joke I have so much anxiety about this).

Tonight the Young Women president talked about social media and how it can be so toxic. Then she talked about how it can be good but we have to be cautious. I decided that I am going to continue my page about mental health because it was good for me. I’m not, however, going to continue my regular page. It’s so stupid and shows how fake I can be. I’m glad I took a little break though because I needed to get my priorities straight.

So yeah back to priorities, it’s so easy to make your priorities superficial things. I know that at least for me it is. It’s easy to live life one day at a time, going through your “routine” and making life inconsequential. Lately I’ve done this and its so unsatisfying. I haven’t necessarily been focusing on bad things recently but I could still improve my life and the things that are so important to me. I was thinking about what will make my life meaningful right now. I think that I need to focus way more of my time becoming more spiritual. Building a better relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is what I want to devote my week too. Then try and make it a habit and have it become part of my “routine”.

 

 

 

6 tips for suicide prevention

So all day I’ve been thinking about what I was going to post today and I had a few ideas but I felt like I needed to make this post. And it’s weird because I have never put any thought into my posts before I start writing. I usually just decide to write about what’s in my head at the moment.

Okay so for tip #1: Don’t isolate yourself!!! It is the worst thing in the world for you. I was talking to this girl who was depressed a few months ago and she said that all she feels like doing is being alone in her room sleeping or watching Netflix. I know that feeling and its the worst. My first day as a patient in a behavioral hospital I asked the tech if I could just stay in my room all day and of course I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see anyone. I just wanted to cry all day by myself. The reason this is the worst thing for you is because you’re alone with your thoughts. You’re probably thinking about something you said last week that you regret, or what happened to make you sad, or whats going to happen to you in the future, or something that you might not think about when you’re with other people.

Tip #2: This one is kind of related to the first, and its community and connectivity is what will save you. Having people to talk to is so important. If you feel like no one understands and you can’t connect with anyone because of depression then you can talk to someone online at an online support group. I would recommend talking to a parent, family member, or trusted adult first but if you aren’t comfortable or don’t think you have anyone then find a support group because there are a lot online. The other part I mentioned was connectivity. Addictions come from not being able to make healthy connections, so you turn to something harmful instead. I have done this before in my life and I made a post about it on Instagram because everyone has, just some are more destructive than others.

Tip #3: Gain an understanding of why you feel the way you do through people who relate. If you’re reading this then you probably have access to youtube and you can find so many helpful videos. I love learning about my mental illnesses through people who struggle with similar things. Another thing I do is research on Psychology Today; there are tons of articles and things you can find. Then the last thing I don’t currently do but I did before, I reached out to people on Instagram who made posts about there mental health (but be careful because there are so many losers in the world).

Tip #4: Medicine!!!!! It might not be for everyone and I understand that. But if you aren’t totally against it then try it out. A lot of people who commit suicide were previously diagnosed with mental illnesses and were on medicine. So obviously its not a cure. I was even on paroxotine, an antidepressant, when I attempted suicide. Finding the right one for you can take a long time. In my experience a lot of medicine makes you anxiety or depression worse. So it took me a while to find the right now.

Tip #5: Thoughts are just thoughts. Every thought in your head isn’t based on reality. If you’re having overwhelming thoughts that you just can’t get out of your head then, stop what you’re doing, take a deep breathe, think of something that makes you genuinely happy, or sing your favorite song in your head. You don’t have to keep your bad thoughts, you’re the only one that can control them.

Tip #6: Everything will pass through time. What I mean by this is depressive episodes where you think you’ll never get out of it. The only way you can is if you keep going. So why not stay? I mean why die with your last memory being depressed.

So yeah that’s it for this post. I hope that it helps someone. And if you’re having a bad day then make tomorrow better. But while its still today, do something to make it better. If you don’t know what will make you happy then do something selfless to make someone else happy. I promise helping other people will make you less depressed. You are needed in the world and you’re life is worth fighting for.

September 24, 2018

Today I woke up at 9:30, worked out, ate breakfast, went to the pool, donated blood, came home, got my sister, went to an appointment for her, came home again, played with my nephews, and then finished school. So yeah it’s been a really long day. I’m super happy though because I finished my english class today with a 97.72% on my final. I really hate doing school online because I’m not learning anything. My history class is literally the same one I did last year so I just did the tests and I read absolutely nothing. The only reason I am doing school is so I don’t have to get a GED. Right now I kind of want to just do it though.

My thoughts on education: it’s one of the most important things in life but public schools are the worst thing for anyones mental health if they aren’t perfect, and the whole system is corrupt. But that’s just my opinion. So yeah like I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. I can’t take tests. They stress me out. Last year in math I literally cried during about half of my tests because they were basically our whole grade and the teacher always talked about how important they were. Almost every test I would be so stressed about the time that I would look at the clock every 30 seconds and then waste a ton of time.  Then in my chemistry class when we did tests they were on chrome books and when you finished you get up and go put it away, well the problem with that is if you have anxiety seeing other people stand up two minutes after the test begins stresses you out and at least for me I would try to do it faster then get everything wrong.

The next thing I wanted to talk about is my obsession with ted talks. I binge watch them and it’s probably unhealthy but whatever. Last night I watched like ten and one I watched was this guy who was almost a school shooter. He was severely bullied at school, but also at home. He moved like 30 times and experienced the same thing everywhere. It never got better and he was completely alone. I’m not going to go into details about everything, mostly because this was at like 2 in the morning and I don’t remember everything, but he had one friend that was always there for him even when he pushed him away. He was the one that stopped him by simply being a friend. Kindness is so important and we can influence people around us by the simplest things. It was super inspiring to me and it made me think about how I can be kinder to people I’m around. Then the next Ted-talk I really liked was one about self love. It talked about respect a lot and how when you respect yourself you love yourself. I really liked that part because it made me think of everything I’ve done in my life from not respecting myself. (And just to mention I’m not talking about attempting suicide. That was because I wasn’t in a mental state where I could think rationally)

Another thing, I absolutely love poetry. I have mentioned it a lot before but I found this guy on youtube Clayton Jennings and he has a few spoken words videos that I love. The ones I watched were called,  “Please Don’t Kill Yourself” and “Dear Anxiety.” He is such an amazing person and I would recommend everyone go watch his videos. Especially if you’re contemplating suicide or ever have, then watch “Please Don’t Kill Yourself.” I was reading a few of the comments and the first one at the top said “i’ve been planning on killing myself for about two weeks, getting everything ready and preparing letters to my family, etc. i saw this in my recommended every single day but i chose to ignore it. i finally clicked on it today & it honestly changed me, so thank you so much❤️.” I am still crying from this comment. I am seriously so happy this video was created and it means so much to me. I relate to a lot of things in it.

So yeah this post is kind of random and doesn’t have a topic. I want to start making my posts more meaningful and educational about mental illnesses but idk what I’ll do.